Come on, Ring those bells

December comes. 

A month filled with indelible memories, a month full of reclaimed stories. 

I had my big 21; I had my first organized event ending with great success. A secret plus point, I have got a memorable overnight comfort with a pseudo being.

My favorite festive season, I had a happy Christmas.

It's almost perfect.

OH books

Should I study next year? 

Should I or should I not?????????????????????

Good Eighteen

Had tonnes of things to share initially but can't really pin those words down. 

All I can say is -- it's a good thing that I have a best friend; it's a good thing that she existed

LIFE IS GOOD

| LIFE IS GOOD | : | LIFE IS GOOD | : | LIFE IS GOOD |

2 months of preparations, liaising and correspondences, only to realize that my shortlisted venue #1 is not open for booking on the day of my reception | LIFE IS GOOD | Why am I so careless?! I listed every detail but the day! The year, the month, the time, the duration, no. of pax, the food but the date! | LIFE IS GOOD | I am moreover scheduled for a presentation for this proposal next week with the biggest bean of the company | LIFE IS GOOD |

My inbox is full. My emails can't be sent | LIFE IS GOOD | deleted everything I can but to no avail. | LIFE IS GOOD | I archived. And my archiving was rewarded with an error message. Outlook crashed. Emails gone. ALL gone | LIFE IS GOOD | My IT manager is on holiday. | LIFE IS GOOD | Restarted my computer 9 times. It crashed. | LIFE IS GOOD |

It’s morning. It’s too much to digest. I walked out of office and headed to the toilet for fresh air. | LIFE IS GOOD | Morning gone. No work done. Plenty on the plate.

Last resort, used webmail. Survived the afternoon. Stayed back in the evening to work on what I can, with fragile hopes to get things done. Outlook can now be opened, but in selected areas. Yes. | LIFE IS GOOD | Send send send emails. Blast them all. 8.00pm. Go home time.

Squinted through everything and to my greatest HORROR, spotted all my sent emails sitting idiotically in the outbox. | LIFE IS GOOD |  Click to open the outbox folder, outlook crashed. Restarted my computer, reopened my outlook and comes horror II. Emails gone. Draft box empty, outbox empty, sent box empty. | LIFE IS GOOD | Where’re my emails? Where’re the many emails I’ve just sent? Where are all the work I’ve stayed back to complete? | LIFE IS GOOD |

Can't go home. Digest that | LIFE IS GOOD |

9pm. I should go. Cool.dry.breezy weather when walking out of office. Wet.liquid.heavy drops of rain when I stepped out of train. | LIFE IS GOOD | Walked home in the rain. Hair wet, body wet, shoes wet. And cracked. | LIFE IS GOOD |

10pm. I'm homed. | LIFE IS GOOD | Locked the gate, dropped my bag, started on the jar of chocolates. One by one I shoved it down | LIFE IS GOOD |

I bathed. With a background music of my neighbour’s scary voice in the middle of the night, singing.

| LIFE IS GOOD |


But above all, I have my best friend so | LIFE IS GOOD |

Rainy Night

Feet wet, shoulders cracked, I feel tired.

I was tired. I am tired. I have been tired.

Red eyes stayed with me for a couple of days now and office is my second home. I think the war has begun. Month of September appears to be somewhat a re-awakened nightmare. 

Actually, I’m just exaggerating =.=

It’s true that work has now started swarming in, but it’s not so bad. Well, not bad because I enjoy my work. And having lots to do make me feel useful to the team.. Not that I was idling away in the previous months.

I am flying tomorrow for a short weekend trip and I can’t help but to worry about my leftovers of the day. Yet again. This trip falls on a really bad time. I was excited, have always been excited to fly. But the when-I-come-back-I-can-die thought just never leaves. Every day, work pile up. Emails streamed in like nobody’s business. There’s too much to do and too little time.

Day by day it ticks away, and day by day I chase. The website counts down the days to the event’s opening, and every time I open my website to see it getting lesser and lesser, closer and closer, and I get crazier and crazier.

I refuse to camp in the office. And I will continue refusing. Though I might already have given in.

Mentality is important.

Thankfully I don’t own a company’s phone. Otherwise I will go crazier even sooner. The ringings and blinkings of the idiotic Blackberry still haunt me because of the previous job I had.. No kidding.

Still, I am getting myself a new phone. Shockingly, a Blackberry. I like the QWERTY keypad and honestly, Blackberry is a very good business phone. I know because I’ve used it so much that it could have cracked if it’s not this “strong”. Dad says model 9900 will be a good buy. I googled. Oof. The slick and slim design. Yes, it shall soon be mine.

Speaking of which, since I’m happily typing away here.. piece of joke: I was so shagged that I could sleep in the train standing (not like I’ve never done it before; it was embarrassing when my legs gave way), I was later crushed awake by the huge crowd forcing in and squashed in between those high protein guys who smelt like an aftertaste of something sour. The crowd, the crowd! The body odor at the end of the day. The hair and the sweat! Goodness.

That isn’t the highlight anyway. What amused me was this Chinese old man standing beside who gave me the impression that he will spit vulgarities at anyone who appears to be a stigma in his eye. Well, I was half right. He typed “Fucking MRT very crowded” on his pretty crimson colored Nokia touch-screen phone. For his age, great taste! Anyway King of jokes. I will never imagine him to type these words. Language.

This is funny. Though I’m not laughing. But seriously, this is hilarious!

Polished

There are occasions when I feel really lost. Lost in the world, in thoughts, in life, in busyness. But some little meet ups and gatherings do bring me back in time. Old gems and new diamonds, familiar faces and new friends. 

For a long time now, maybe it's not just to show your face and teeth. It's a genuine appearance.

The clock might not tick backwards for you, but friends can bring memories that's however archaic, forward.

One

It was a one liner.

It was a string of chosen words.

But it was a mistake.

Head to Toe

I cannot speak, not because of the mental barriers, but because of the overwhelmed mind ..

It's something that cannot be spoken of easily, for few will understand anyway. Those tormenting moments, the constant pinch, soothed not by the calmness of mind but supported by the question of why.

Tears can flow -- a prove that I have emotions too. 

I feel pain, I was tense, I am afraid. 

I fear. I try. I contain.

I will not speak, so that I don't have to fake a "I'm fine"; so that I don't have to answer questions people ask; and for selfish reasons as to so that I won't get hurt by people's mindless words when they blurt out their concerns. 

These are the reasons why I chose to be alone; these are the reasons why blanket is the bearer of my warmth.

For all that's wanted at that moment, was just a heartful cry.

Viewpoint

Presence acknowledged, little words exchanged, existence remained.

A briefly known body filled with overflowing enigma is hardly even debatable when a north and south pole story is shared.

Across the globe your life ensues; on the equator is mine to dream.

Things that happened creates a life storytelling imprint; things that do not comes the wishes to be wished.

Call it self denial, call it wishful thinking. For so long as we face the reality without blurred lines toward the unreal galaxy of thoughts, life goes on as it is with no one to notice.

You don't have to know.

Reached consensus

A long waited wish granted unexpectedly on one night yet drowned by a self-convinced undefined concern leading to unintentional unpleasantness amongst two humans. Not the best situation in which things had turned out but lucky enough to be salvaged by a silent mutual agreement, with stories shared in a manner of invisible slash lines and imaginary battle of words and debate.

It was understood by both.

The Focus

Jet lag is a monster. If there's such a term known as undersleep, I'd totally qualify. It wasn't bad when we first arrived in Vancouver since we have to work almost immediately until midnight. So for the consecutive 4 days in preparation for the mega important meeting, there's no chance to enjoy the luxury of jet lagging. Eventually, body clock was forced to tune to the 15 hrs difference, which yes, is good news. Now that I'm back on a weekend, sleep can be chosen more flexibly -- ironically bad because I can't adjust back to Singapore's time. I tried to stay awake till it's time to sleep but wasn't able to. The fatigue accumulated from the trip plus the defiance of mind that wouldn't grant me sleep on the ultra long butt-aching flight is just horrible. Nonetheless, the bonus of all these complaints is to be planted in a job and/or project that gives my passport the bliss to collect international stamps.

That aside, my first SIGGRAPH is truly an eye-opener. Now I understand why the people say it's hard not to attend future conferences after the first visit. All the works are just so fascinating and so many things outside my world that I've yet to be exposed to. Just, WOW. Amazing. And yes, I especially enjoy the Computer Animation Festival and Electronic Theatre screenings - something that at least I can understand, something not so out of my world. Exhibition booths are likewise, cool designs and never-seen-before. Taking photos is one, but being there is a whole separate feel. As always ya?

Then comes my one-day-holiday, though after the meeting is already like a one -- the difference is that the walk does not evolve around the convention centre; it's Downtown. I combed everywhere as much as I can. Grab the chance! It's not an everyday thing that you happen to have a ticket to Canada. I so love the season, the temperature, the fresh air, the beautiful sceneries, the smiles of people .. I walked a lot, spending time getting lost and taking photos, it's an enjoyment. Travelling alone isn't that bad afterall. Well, with a map, the worse you can go is to go round and round finding a place that you are already in (yes, that's me).

I went to English Bay beach after the exhibition to watch sunset but apparently the sun doesn't seem to set after waiting for 3 hours. I should have known. So I walked along the outline towards Stanley Park which I'm glad I did. I extended for only a day (sadly so) because I miscounted. 2 nights were my original intention but I realized later that the "second night" was actually a night to be spent waiting for my flight in the airport -- that leaves me with only one. Oh well, better than none. So this precious off day was spent in Stanley Park. Beautiful flowers, so bright and pleasing.

It wasn't late at all, slightly after lunch so I decided to carry on with my plans to walk to West Vancouver and walk on the Capilano Suspension bridge. It was .. sort of a mistake. Capilano bridge is a famous must-visit place and I was, still am actually, sad that I wasn't able to walk on it. I spent hours walking from the insides of Stanley Park to crossing the Lions Gate bridge and to reaching Capilano and continued embarking on the journey with high hopes of actually reaching the destination but it never seem to want to appear in front of me. I saw road signs after every now and then but AH, forget it. I was so close that I can "smell" it but on the safe side, I know it will be a rush if I continued so I decided to give up the cliff walk and all the fun. So I walked ALL the way back to Stanley park and walked freely instead of following main roads shown on map. Whenever there're man-created trails leading to the inner sections, I'd just walk. AND what's so surprising, I got lost. No matter how zig-zaggy I tried to undo my paths, I can't find where I was. So, I spent time getting lost again. Well, the comfort is that at least my legs brought me to seeing something new and different, awarded with maple walnut ice cream. Luckily the weather is cooling, perspiration evaporated as soon as you felt them forming. Good. I love the cool.

I got blisters on my toes -- especially painful on uneven grounds on the trails leading nowhere and everywhere but where I wanted. Still, I had fun. I threw my shoes away after returning to the hotel for a good long bath because the soles cracked. Man, I'm good walker.

Finally, headed to the airport for a goodbye Vancouver meal and checked my emails. Aiyo. So many emails and I'm shagged so I facebooked instead. Am I allowed to laugh? Hahaha.

It's no doubt an unforgettable good trip!

Casted

I’m not sure if I can understand or digest any of those words that hurt people so much without any hesitations. The untamed tongue .. the false words that flow along the thought which strives so desperately to please others while hurting the beside. How much further can things go; how much worse can a situation turn; how much more hurt can the past bring? The feeling of being misunderstood by everyone else except the closest still nonetheless carries the thereafter effect of loneliness, lost in the favor of darkness crowded with familiar faces.

I’m not sure why promises exist. Are they just another  medium of words with higher priority of temporal trust and belief? How easily can confident little fingers tie to each other in a second, like how words can flow out thoughtlessly faster than the work of synapses?

Nevermind the size

Shagged. 

There's supposedly lots to be typed but my body battery ran low due to the extremely long days of preparations and rush .. Drained. But before my eyes close for the short night, enthusiastic flaunts come first.

I bought my luggage (*JOY). This is the #1 update I wanted to share since the minute I owned it. Thankfully I didn't get yelled at when I dragged this pretty little thing home since the sole reason for me to get a luggage is because what I had was tiny and it won't grant me survival for 2 weeks in Canada (FLAUNTS*).

So after work yesterday, I excitedly went to hunt for a luggage with limited time and venues. I wanted to get a Samsonite but I mentally fainted as soon as the price was shared. Then this pretty little thing said Hi to me as I floated around the shop and within minutes, I owned it. For the size, price and durability .. I have my doubts. But for the design and color, an immediate Yes.

So here I am, with yet another small luggage. A prettier one of course, just to emphasize again. And slightly bigger  (*GRINS).

And here's another 'But' to be credited -- I believe I'm a pretty good packer. I can squeeze all sorts of things and survive equally well. After all the camps I've been too, I'm well trained. I don't care if I've to be as extreme as Mr Bean to cut off Teddy's body, bringing only the head along, I'll make sure everything goes in with ample space for new stuff to travel back.

Congrats to me, all the necessaries are in, especially the documents. Again, as always, (clap clap) there's space for more. Not to mention the 'additional' space when all documents are cleared.

AND I suppose that's it. The highest priority update I have in mind.  

Nauseous

Dizziness again. I need blood.

Anyhow, week's coming to an end very soon. And very very soon I'll be on my way to get my passport stamped in a country across the globe, somewhere I thought I'd never have the chance to step foot in. My cells are excited but my brain is tired.

A lot of celebrations lately. A lot of teeth-showing occasions and a lot of face capturing moments. All's great, really, or at least it seems to be to me. And there's always a but that follows. 

Living in the days, getting by the minutes. Somehow I get the feeling that I'm walking on a floating platform.

Dried rose

It happens. Memory loss.

Something that no one can control. Not the time it happens, not the things that are forgotten. The undefined emptiness and loss, the strain in the brain, like a person just awoke from a clueless dream.

Yet, certain things haunts and stalks.

Everything. There is only so much that can be recalled, and there is only so much that can be dispelled.

Stories are histories. Histories form stories.

Not that it was regret that outlined the youth once lived, it was the unexplained move once made.

Captured

I was bored during the train ride home. Didn't bring my iTouch because I thought I'd read today but nay .. Enough words for the day. Boredom ruled. So I guess I'll give extra credit to electronics with regards to solving boredom.

Explored my 7 months old birthday phone and scrolled down the contacts. Realized there're many friends I'd like to meet, if time permits and energy grants. But well, just meet them one at a time. As far as I am concerned, weekends full, days are packed, schedules tight. Good or bad.. I've yet to figure out.

Anyway it rained today. BAH. There it goes again. Ruining the chance I've been waiting for to get a new watch. YAY. OH I so love watches, yes. I've been wearing an untickable one for days because it died 2 weeks back. But I feel uncomfortable and empty when not wearing one so ended up wearing a time-paused device. And it amazingly ticked backwards occasionally.

How nice.

And one belated update, Japan was great though language is a little problem and weather a very huge problem. It's oversunny there and to think that we actually carry the thought of getting a break from the daily sunshines in Singapore for a cooling breather in Japan. Cross it out! It's worse over there. Is Japan closer to the sun or what? It's perspiringly hot everyday! And sun shines at 04:00AM in the morning. Got a shock of my life when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking I overslept and spent my precious getaway sleeping instead of burning calories.

Booked

It's getting a little crazier these days and was wondering if all the rush of events made it even worse. Not to mention bad timings of happenings contribute to the pile. 

And time flies. These are the two words which used to irritate me (I don't know why), maybe because when long lost friends becomes hi-bye friends and meet on the streets, these words  just roll out from their tongues perfectly. Which still doesn't really make any sense for me to dislike the phrase, I know. Just, just ..

Regardless, it passes so fast that I find no effort needed to lose count in the hours, in the tickings of the clock. Everything is just happening that when I paused to think, I don't know what's going on.

Takes a while.

Dim the Spotlight

Like a kyphotic elderly trying to stand straight;

Like an autistic child expressing his needs;

Like a baby crying to herself to sleep at night ..

How much more emotions can one keep,

How much more pretense can one fake,

And how many more camera aching smiles can one force?

A situation where words can't express comes the longing for someone to sit with in silence,

whispering muffled words to which only the speaker understands.

The positives comment on the vibrant lights forming the beautiful skyline;

The negatives comment on the darkness that falls.

The tiny light that blinks is indeed a moment of comfort and peace. But if one is living in the cave and not resting under the vastly spread sky, would they still keep the faith of the presence of existing light?

Beijing

Recovering from senseless panic attacks, filtering out residues of uncertainty and boarding the flight with an egg of comfort, here's to the world yet unseen.

Missed you

To think that I'm now standing where you've stood, seeing what you've seen, smelling what you've smelt, hearing what you've heard.

 

The difference is, you were here 2 years ago.

Tachinos realm

Clock of the world, would you pause your marathon for me while I catch my breath?

Once upon a time

He asked to let go, she clinged on with tears in her eyes;
He turned a cold shoulder on her, she struggled to keep her emotions; 
He left her alone, she was lost in the moment.

Accepting the truth was hard, but she did it anyway, containing the stabbing pain by herself. There was no shut-eye, just sitting there, lifeless and dead before physical pain overtook the emotional aches and brought her back to reality.

Maybe some things aren't right, but there it was -- her long lost smile.

She did it finally, letting go of the impossible comeback and lived her life as it is, perhaps with more consciousness. But now, there are second thoughts perhaps because somehow this is not how he wants his story to be.

The clock can't be turned back, history can't be erased. If you want to re-enter, it takes a lot more than just empty words and mind determinations.

An overpowering sense of touch

Never thought that fatigue will have its role to play too. It finally served its purpose today.
Anesthesia to the world.

Forgone

When things go wrong, brain's wirings tangle. 

You feel cold in a warm place; you bite things that'll prick your tongue. 

You walk in the rain and hid from the sun; you say things for wrong ears to hear. 

When information gets digested thereafter, cortisol level remains high. While the mind denies you the rest badly needed, words choke your throat and kills your voice. 

Some things can be done, but some things are best to be left undone.

It was known

"Everything was going just fine, day by day. But one day when I woke up, it was different. It felt different.

I had a thought.

The next thing I knew, I've brought everything down."

Denial

Sometimes being in the dark isn't that much of a bad thing.

 

Whatever that's seen in the dark is simply what you think you saw, or hope to see.

Blur, but wanted.

Minutes of comfort

Private Moment

It's my time. I'm closing the door.

It's mine to share

因为如此，所以说话得小心。
虽然不是什么秘密， 但故事是我的。

Caught offguard

This will be the one time where you get to say: At least it's all fake

because if it's true, our words would be: If only it's fake

Precious ones.

Breathe

What an idiotic morning, nothing seems to be going my way. Every little things picked on me. Then comes the parent source of anger. What? All these happened within a short 20 minutes when my eyes greeted the Saturday morning? WTH.

I don't know what exactly you fill your mind with. Does a simple term used changes the happenings of a situation? 

See, it's because I understand where you're coming from and out of respect that I hold myself back from lashing out expletives at you. I'm giving way so why can't you do the same and take a step back?

Why am I always the one understanding things and when it's supposed to be the adults doing so? I see things from your persepctive, isn't it fair that you see from mine too? Don't shout at me and say that you have the final say. Don't stop my words and shut me off. You'll only have the final say when you make sense to me, damn it.

2011

Last year I didn't have a good new year's start, but this year I did. Definitely the best new year's day I've ever had so far, not that there's anything interesting in the past years since I don't do countdowns. But even if it's just another normal day instead of January 1st, it started off well.

Staying together under one roof doesn't mean you know everything that's going on. Stories - plenty of them. Whether or not to tell or dig, that's another thing.

I dug, you told. Likewise.